Blog? Oh right! Blog!

Since I've been married I've rather let myself go. Life on the other side is truly delightful, consisting as it does of eating bon-bons while expertly manipulating the TiVo stick and being a stranger to the blowdryer. Sometimes I can bearly muster enough energy for a wagging finger or a quick nag. As you can imagine, it leaves little time for searching the Web for godawful wedding detritus. Plus - well, I just can't seem to summon the enthusiasm for wedding-based googling that I used to. I've got a bunch of ugly stuff saved I'll throw up on the site in the next couple of days, though. Kind of like my swan song.

The image of a modern wedding

Via the good women of IndieBride, check out some most excellent examples of wedding photography. Man, these are beyond awesome. I am a lonely broken branch floating on the rough, gray, foam-flecked sea of missed opportunity.

Tricksy! False!

Looking up from a skirt. That you don't see every day.

An ex-girlfriend, do you suppose?

Observe, if you will, the last line.

Woah.

GWC will be Out Of Office for a while

... because - well, because we're off getting married. Wish us luck!

Maybe I'm just cynical.

Sometimes, when the business of planning a wedding that takes place in on Saturday gets too much, I like to imagine another world. An alternative universe, if you will, a universe in which a guy - a man, we must remember - is surfing the web, sees a poem in a wooden or crystal frame, and squeals: "Oh, that's so darling! I've got to get that for Jeff! He was just so awesome as my best man, you know? So I want to get him something cute, you know? Something meaningful? Like a poem? With a photo?"

Here's a gift that your best man will love receiving. Besides showing him how much you appreciate his participation in your wedding ceremony, it also makes a wonderful way to display a photo from the wedding. To My Best Man(Name) There was never any doubt who my best man would be. Memories of the good times we've had and your friendship mean a great deal to me. Thank you for your support on one of the happiest days of my life. I am grateful that you are here as Amy and I start our new life together.

And when Jeff the best man unwraps it he squeals too, and clasps his hands to his chest, and he's all like, "Oh! My! God! It's just soo ... perfect." And they jump up and down together, squealing. And then I come back to earth with a bump and realize that the sunburn is still there, that I still have a neck as red - oh, as red can be - and a back as pale as an Irishman in winter, and I have as yet no real strategy in place for dealing with it before the wedding. * I also realize my view may be colored by the men I know. All wonderful men without exception, but givers (to other men) of personalized poems in frames they are not.

More charming caketoppers

A while ago I blogged about some bizarre caketoppers that seemed horrible and demeaning to everybody involved. I can't for the life of me imagine any woman choosing to put them on her cake. At least mermice, while definitely, um, random and weird, are a little unusual and probably personal ... as opposed to - well, humiliating. Turns out I was only scratching the surface. There's so much more out there, and most of it available from A Picture Perfect Wedding at prices ranging from $50 to #80. Kinky dominatrix caketopper: Chain gang caketopper:

Nazi groom caketopper:

Groom calls for help caketopper (subtitled: "Look, Ma! I got a man!"):

I'd show you more, but I haven't the heart for it.

So my question: Have you used a caketopper like this, or seen one? Is there a universe in which you'd consider it?

You'll come for the baby bride bible, but you'll stay for the Virgin Mary soap

It's never too early to start planning for your daughter's wedding. Do you hear me, Brad and Angie? This is a baby bible. Agent Lowe informs me that the verse that comes with it reads as follows:

I am an Heirloom Bible As special as can be. A present for someone dear Who's little like me. When baby grows to wed I'll be by your side. Or part of the bouquet For the blushing bride.

(Updated because I'd posted the wrong pic - thanks for the heads up, greyduck - and now this transition makes NO SENSE ...) While you're visiting Go on, visit the fabulous www.Cool2bcatholic.com (best. URL. ever). Take some time to look around. Heck, it's not wedding-related, but I can't resist anyway: why not pick up some Virgin of Guadalupe soap?

This saintly statuette, with its amazing attention to detail, radiates a delicate rose scent—and comes presented in a colorful, decorative paperboard box that makes a gorgeous keepsake when the soap is gone. A great gift idea to awaken anyone’s spiritual side.

"Awaken anyone's spiritual side." This is soap, people. Soap.

They do things better Down Under

Agent dataceptionist submits the following piece of valuable intel: in Australia, you can get personalized beer can holders ("stubbies" "stubby holders") as your wedding favor. I've never been to Australia, but now I've seen these precious, precious items, I suspect there is a trip in my future.

Kiss The Bride breath spray

Say "I do" to minty freshness! Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Fresh Breath! It's your special day, don't let anything ruin it. One flavor for the rest of your life (hope you like mint). Makes a great bridal gift!

Reported by Agent Suzannah B., and available from Everything Smells. I love that name. Good work, soldier.

More wedding beer can coolers

So you're looking for beer can coolers, but the silver-plated, monogrammed version is not your style. You're looking for something less classic. Something softer, more modern. Something that helps confused guests identify that woman in the big white dress. Here you go. This one has the decided advantage of hiding the can itself, so who knows what you can have in there.

As My Little Girl Gets Married Hanky and Pin

As My Little Girl Gets Married There you are in your wedding gown, The world's most beautiful bride, And though I'm truly happy for you, I'm holding back tears inside. For it seems like only a moment ago That I first held you in my arms-- The world's most beautiful baby, Enchanting us with your charms. You grew into the most beautiful girl, And I watched you dress up and play, Giggling with friends about boys And who you might marry someday. Soon you became a young woman And dated the world's luckiest guys, But never with any of them did I see The light that shines now in your eyes. I can see how deeply you care for this man, And the power of your emotion. I can tell he already has your love And will soon have your lifelong devotion. So remember as you take his hand To begin your life together-- You'll always be my little girl... And I'll love you forever and ever.

$14.95 from Thank You Ink.

Certifiable

The people have spoken, the Jury, ( the witnesses), were unanimous and the defendants, ( Bride and Groom), aren't all that unhappy about being "condemned to the pursuit of the labour of love". The Good Ole' Ball and Chain ! This certificate uses "judicial language" to humorously describe the marriage commitment! For details e-mail! Secure Ordering On-line !

For only $17.99, the good people who run the graphically exciting Wedding Helpers will provide you with a wedding certificate "for the practical jokester, weaver of funny tales, or those who just love to laugh."

Ultimate Godawful Wedding Crap

Bush went on air today to outline his plans to ensure that full civil rights are never extended to a significant minority of the United States population. The decision in Goodridge vs. Department of Public Health (Mass. Supreme Court) eloquently and beautifully outlines why this is wrong. All of us getting married right now need to be aware that we're exercising a fundamental right - and one that is currently denied many couples in this country: the right to full legal recognition of our mutual commitments and the familes we have created together.

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations. The question before us is whether, consistent with the Massachusetts Constitution, the Commonwealth may deny the protections, benefits, and obligations conferred by civil marriage to two individuals of the same sex who wish to marry. We conclude that it may not. The Massachusetts Constitution affirms the dignity and equality of all individuals. It forbids the creation of second-class citizens. In reaching our conclusion we have given full deference to the arguments made by the Commonwealth. But it has failed to identify any constitutionally adequate reason for denying civil marriage to same-sex couples. ... Without question, civil marriage enhances the “welfare of the community.” It is a “social institution of the highest importance.” ... Civil marriage anchors an ordered society by encouraging stable relationships over transient ones. It is central to the way the Commonwealth identifies individuals, provides for the orderly distribution of property, ensures that children and adults are cared for and supported whenever possible from private rather than public funds, and tracks important epidemiological and demographic data. Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family. “It is an association that promotes a way of life, not causes; a harmony in living, not political faiths; a bilateral loyalty, not commercial or social projects.” ... Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition.

For more information about the efforts to extend the freedom to marry to all people, check out these links: Lambda Legal Freedom to Marry Love Is Love Is Love Human Rights Campaign Normal snarkiness resumes tomorrow.

He loves me. He loves me not - AND I DON'T CARE!

I guess all the design choices you make in your wedding make some kind of statement. But what if the statement you want to send to your nearest and dearest is a little different, a little unusual, not quite as cookie-cutter as the wedding industrial complex would like?

What if the statement you want to send is not so much "We love each other!", and more "He doesn't want to marry me but I'm going to make him do it anyway?"

You're in luck! There are women out there who choose to top their cake (and take the biscuit) with this:

Or this: Or with this:

Why not just nail his head to the trophy wall of your billiard room? It would send the same message, and I bet he'd prefer it.

Gone fishing ... kind of.

Here at GWC we're off on a fact-finding mission to NYC for the rest of the week. Have you had a sighting of Godawful Wedding Crap? The people need to be told, and we will be forever in your debt. In the meantime, here's my current favorite caketopper to date - though there are some doozies to come. Thanks to a comment by Anonymous, I give you: Mermice! Mermice. Mermice in love. I'm almost certain they are mermice. Check out the little shells covering the bosoms of the mermouse bride. But Dorian would know for sure.

Misguided bachelor party advice of the year

From The Knot: Complete Guide to Weddings in the Real World:

The groom should: ... Ask the party host to let your honey in on his plans. Being in the know will put her mind at ease. Who knows? Maybe she can even contribute something to the bash -- a raunchy audiotape saying what she's going to do to you come wedding night, perhaps?

That's right, ladies. The Knot is suggesting not only that you talk dirty but you do so on a permanent recording which you then hand over to someone - possibly even his brother - to play at a bachelor party ... Well holy god.

Holy cow!

I have to admit, I just don't understand this site. First, check out the little cow bride (on the main page, scroll about three-quarters of the way down). She's a cutie, no doubt about it, which is probably why her picture on the main page is captioned: "Wishing You a Lifetime of Udder Joy." A little weird, but whatever. People like cows. Next up, we have a selection of matching cattle-themed grooms. Scratch that: military cattle-themed grooms. Meet the Navy groom ("I Cudn't Be Happier To Serve My Country"): The Army groom ("I Love to Serve Americow"): And finally, the Marine groom ("Steer Me In The Right Direction"): Nowhere on the site does one see the word "bull".

Have your big fat fabulous wedding on VH1

If your wedding budget includes spending over $300,000, the wedding date is between March and August of 2006 and you would love to share your life and wedding day with VH1, we'd love to hear from you.

You need to be over 21 to apply. Because a 20-year-old spending $300,000 on a wedding would be weird.

Silver-plated, personalized beer can holder

Your groomsmen will enjoy their VIP status by showing off with this elegant silver-plated can cooler. Perfect for keeping their drink cold at the bachelor party or wedding reception.

This silver-plated little beaut costs $21 - twenty-one dollars. It doesn't just say class; it's more that it hollers it from across the room while punching the air with its fist and making comments about your daughter.

OK, I'm typing this still slightly drunk from my own bachelorette party

... but you probably can't tell that I'm rocking back and forth, muttering thankyouthankyouthankyou to my lovely friends who provided me not with a penis-decorated veil (or the more conservative condom veil), or penis earrings, or penis straws, or penis drinking cups, or penis whistles or Toothdix(TM) (like toothpicks, but better! Because they're penises!), ... but with a really nice dinner and an elegant, sophisticated evening of roller derby. I would also like to note that my so-called friends neglected to provide me with the following:

• Willy whack-it pinata
• Gummy penises
• Penis squirt gun ("fun, fun, fun!")
• Uncle Willie's Cookie Cutter: :...Comes with an idea booklet showing the many ways you can decorate these specially shaped cookies, including Long Dong Willie, Cousin Limpy and Uncle Sam - The Patriot Missile!"
• Suck for a buck kit
• Penis snack tray

Well, fine. All I have to say is: thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou. If, however, you just can't get enough of this penis-related goodness - well, you're in for something of a treat.

Treat him like a king, train him like a puppy

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bridal hankie holder

I've never really been able to understand the attraction of the hankie. I mean, if you don't use it it's without function, and if you do, it becomes particularly unpleasant and, frankly, not the kind of thing that would tempt me to spend almost eighteen American dollars to display it like this: If I were to display my hankie at all, I mean. I haven't quite made up my mind.

How to ask for money 2: Guilt and manipulation

This month's issue of Modern Bride sports a timely and striking heading: HOW TO ASK YOUR PARENTS FOR MONEY (and get it).

What can I say? I bought the damn magazine, because I need somone to tell me AGAIN to address couples as Mr. and Mrs. Karl von Trapp, and turned to the article, not knowing quite what to expect. A lesson on lowering expections? On the use of please and thank you?

The article starts off well, recommending that brides in the market for parent money approach them with a lot of research and information. But if this fails to swing it, you're going to have to resport to manipulation, baby. Play to their insecurities.

"If your parents are picturing an upscale bash, tell them you may have to skip the champagne toast if they can't contribute ...

Lots of people need to ask their parents for help with the wedding. But you'd kinda sorta hope it would be a respectful conversation, not a ruthless rapier to the site of their social fears in order to get what you want. This short little article left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.

On a side note, when I was a teenager and a student and wanted money myself, sometimes I'd ask my father. He'd lean back in his chair, enjoying himself hugely, and quote Charles's father from Brideshead Revisited. "Oh, I really am the very worst person to talk to about money, because I've never been short of it myself. " Grinning from ear to ear, my father would gleefully quote Waugh: "Your cousin Melchior was short of money too. He went to Australia before the mast."

It became clear that that such was to become my fate. And so I arrived in Seattle. And I'd still play the same stunt on one of my kids. For a while, anyway.

Moses supposes his ho-ses have roses

A while ago, I posted a link to a site offering personalized rose petals. I was younger then. I wasn't thinking big enough. Personalize the whole damn rose!

How to ask for money #1: With poetry.

I've been noticing a trend on the boards about asking for money instead of gifts. I say, don't do it - and certainly don't include such a request with the invitation. Couples aren't entitled to a gift, and registries exist solely to help those guests who find them useful. Guests aren't obliged to bring a gift at all, or to bring one off the registry. I'm not convinced that this new trend of casting the request in verse makes it any more acceptable. On the plus side, however, it does make it funnier. Anyway! On to the poetry. Got any favorites? Let me know - and please report any GWC sightings here. Thank you!

We are sending out this invitation, And hope you will join our celebration. If to send a gift is your intention, In modesty we would like to mention, We already have kettles and toasters, Crockery, dinner mats and a number of coasters, So rather than something we already own We would love money or vouchers to spend on our home. The tradition of the wishing well is one that's known by all. Go to the well, toss in a coin and as the coin does fall, Make a wish upon that coin and careful as you do. Cause as the well's tradition goes your wishes will come true. So on this special day of ours - The day that we’ll be wed. Don't hunt for special gifts but give money in it's stead. And as you drop the envelope with money great and small, Remember, make your wish as you watch your money fall [As something of an afterthought, the poet adds: ] But, most importantly, we request, That you are here as our wedding guest!

My favorite, so far, the clear-eyed brevity of a haiku:

Come to celebrate But don't forget to pay for your plate

And finally, this bracingly strict verse that leaves guests with little wiggle room:

This wishing well before you here Has a purpose that's pretty clear. Drop some green into the slot, Just make sure that it's alot! [sic] We would think it pretty nifty if it was at least a fifty. After all it cost us money To plan this day and our moon of honey!

In the flurry of the big day, it's all too easy to marry the wrong man -

.. the best man, perhaps, or - heaven forbid - your dad. Fear not. These handy socks will quickly sort out the men from the boys. Gather the most likely candidates and a quick glance at the ankle will identify the scamp, allowing the fiesty rapscallion to be brought up before the priest as fast as you like. Thank you, man-brand socks! Without you, I'd had to let that one get away!

Pure klass.

The comical couple printed on these products is sure to bring a smile. Here is an easy way to add some fun at engagement celebrations, showers, rehearsal parties, gift openings or even the Big Event! Your guests will be amused and amazed with your attention to every detail when they discover...even the toilet paper has a wedding theme! 200 sheets per roll - 3 ply.

Got ten bucks burning a hole in your pocket? Go here. Go fast. God speed.

Dolphins ... or unicorns?

You know, until you start planning a wedding, you have just no idea of the kind of stuff that’s out there. Take cake toppers. I’m not what you called drawn to the little figurines, and after I failed to convince the Tall Fella that we should go with Master Chief from Halo and the Bride (veiled) from Kill Bill, I pretty much settled for a simple cake topped with daisies. Until I discovered Designs by Dorian. Her dolphin (“thought to be one of the more magical animals on this planet [emphasis added]”, unicorn, and fairy caketopper are charming but perhaps a little … obvious. Let’s push the envelope a little and consider, for example, an NFL Baltimore Ravens cake topper:

A Raven couple gaze into each others eyes on a field of grass-like moss with purple and gold flowers. The bride, sitting atop an NFL endorsed Baltimore Ravens football, is veiled, sports purple iridescent glitter, and wears a gold crown [hey! that's what I'm going to wear!]; the groom wears a top hat and sports black iridescent glitter dust and a purple boutonnière.

For a Brokeback-themed wedding, you couldn’t do better than the Western theme.

This cake top is home for two noble, cavorting horses in a field of grass and roses, backed by a silver horseshoe (or cowboy hat) … While perfect for the Cowboy, the free, wild spirit in us all, horses are metaphor for much more: Love, devotion, and loyalty are paramount. But stamina, strength and mobility are formidable, and wisdom, intellect, and gentleness are not to be overlooked.

Stamina and strength are, in this case, represented by “white & yellow roses and a yellow stone … white tulle [that] cascades over the base, and iridescent rainbow glitter dust.”

For exceptionally forgetful grooms

Whether the wedding is on a grand scale or in a small, intimate setting, whether the big day is two months away, or two years away the groom is already counting the days. Now he can count on the Groom's Countdown Clock. Just a glance at the clock and he will always know how many days, hours, minutes, and even seconds remain until that wonderful magical day. The Groom's Countdown Clock is easy to set and comes with a long-lasting lithium battery, guaranteeing uninterrupted operation. When the day arrives, the display will begin to flash, and will continue flashing for 24 hours.

As will I. Jesus.

A Perfect Wedding Scam

I'm conflicted about registries. As a guest I've often appreciated the convenience. However, we both dislike the idea of handing guests a shopping list. So we've compromised: we have a registry but nobody knows about it. If only I'd known about APerfectWeddingGift.com. This site lets couples register for ... money! They create a Paypal account and inform guests that they've registered for ... money! Guests log on, view their invoice, and submit payment. Best of all, the site offers a "printable list to generate thank you cards". Nothing makes me feel like my gift has been appreciated than knowing that the couple took the time to generate a thank-you message. Why is site so fiendishly clever? Well, they don't deposit the money into your Paypal account until your wedding day - so they get to hang onto gifts and make some $$ off the deposit. Plus, they deduct 7% from the amount sent to the couple. So in return for a "polite way to ask for money", the couple is stung for 7%. If you're going to give money, wouldn't you prefer to slip a check into a pretty card?

The Tears of Joy wedding hankie, available in girly lace or manly cotton

... and attractively priced at $4.99

Knowing that you are here today, knowing that you care, Makes our wedding day memories a special time to share. This hankie is a gift, expressing our thanks that you are here. To use as we unite our love, to catch a joyful tear ...

... Or something. Available ... holy fuck, these things are available all over the Internet.

Nature is not beautiful enough for your wedding.

Remedy that now with photo-embossed real flower petals!

At just about $15K, it's not cheap. But to be fair, the price does include an analog hygrometer and cotton gloves.

You know those pictures you see in the galleries of stately homes? The creepy way their eyes follow you around the room? Well, you know what's creepier? A headless bride in the corner of your living room. Now you can have your very own custom-fitted humidity-controlled wedding armoire. (via IndieBride).