Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
The groom should: ... Ask the party host to let your honey in on his plans. Being in the know will put her mind at ease. Who knows? Maybe she can even contribute something to the bash -- a raunchy audiotape saying what she's going to do to you come wedding night, perhaps?That's right, ladies. The Knot is suggesting not only that you talk dirty but you do so on a permanent recording which you then hand over to someone - possibly even his brother - to play at a bachelor party ... Well holy god.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
If your wedding budget includes spending over $300,000, the wedding date is between March and August of 2006 and you would love to share your life and wedding day with VH1, we'd love to hear from you.You need to be over 21 to apply. Because a 20-year-old spending $300,000 on a wedding would be weird.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Your groomsmen will enjoy their VIP status by showing off with this elegant silver-plated can cooler. Perfect for keeping their drink cold at the bachelor party or wedding reception.This silver-plated little beaut costs $21 - twenty-one dollars. It doesn't just say class; it's more that it hollers it from across the room while punching the air with its fist and making comments about your daughter.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
- Willy whack-it pinata
- Gummy penises
- Penis squirt gun ("fun, fun, fun!")
- Uncle Willie's Cookie Cutter: :...Comes with an idea booklet showing the many ways you can decorate these specially shaped cookies, including Long Dong Willie, Cousin Limpy and Uncle Sam - The Patriot Missile!"
- Suck for a buck kit
- Penis snack tray
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Now that you have found the perfect man you want to keep him that way if you can. With Training Treats and lots of praise you'll be able to stand him for days and days! For Husbands - with just one or two flaws (Does not work on major overhauls), kinder than a swat on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, more effective than nagging.
I'm not convinced that "gourmet candy" is more effective at man-manipulation and rendering a husband tolerable for "days and days" than -- oh, I don't know -- say, a well-timed blowjob? And to be fair, the purveyors of this excrescence do admit (no doubt at the insistence of a pack of lawyers) that "Neither product comes with a guarantee for results".
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
"If your parents are picturing an upscale bash, tell them you may have to skip the champagne toast if they can't contribute ...
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Monday, May 15, 2006
My favorite, so far, the clear-eyed brevity of a haiku:We are sending out this invitation, And hope you will join our celebration. If to send a gift is your intention, In modesty we would like to mention, We already have kettles and toasters, Crockery, dinner mats and a number of coasters, So rather than something we already own We would love money or vouchers to spend on our home. The tradition of the wishing well is one that's known by all. Go to the well, toss in a coin and as the coin does fall, Make a wish upon that coin and careful as you do. Cause as the well's tradition goes your wishes will come true. So on this special day of ours - The day that we’ll be wed. Don't hunt for special gifts but give money in it's stead. And as you drop the envelope with money great and small, Remember, make your wish as you watch your money fall [As something of an afterthought, the poet adds: ] But, most importantly, we request, That you are here as our wedding guest!
Come to celebrate But don't forget to pay for your plateAnd finally, this bracingly strict verse that leaves guests with little wiggle room:
This wishing well before you here Has a purpose that's pretty clear. Drop some green into the slot, Just make sure that it's alot! [sic] We would think it pretty nifty if it was at least a fifty. After all it cost us money To plan this day and our moon of honey!
Friday, May 12, 2006
Got ten bucks burning a hole in your pocket? Go here. Go fast. God speed.
The comical couple printed on these products is sure to bring a smile. Here is an easy way to add some fun at engagement celebrations, showers, rehearsal parties, gift openings or even the Big Event! Your guests will be amused and amazed with your attention to every detail when they discover...even the toilet paper has a wedding theme! 200 sheets per roll - 3 ply.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
A Raven couple gaze into each others eyes on a field of grass-like moss with purple and gold flowers. The bride, sitting atop an NFL endorsed Baltimore Ravens football, is veiled, sports purple iridescent glitter, and wears a gold crown [hey! that's what I'm going to wear!]; the groom wears a top hat and sports black iridescent glitter dust and a purple boutonnière.
This cake top is home for two noble, cavorting horses in a field of grass and roses, backed by a silver horseshoe (or cowboy hat) … While perfect for the Cowboy, the free, wild spirit in us all, horses are metaphor for much more: Love, devotion, and loyalty are paramount. But stamina, strength and mobility are formidable, and wisdom, intellect, and gentleness are not to be overlooked.
Stamina and strength are, in this case, represented by “white & yellow roses and a yellow stone … white tulle [that] cascades over the base, and iridescent rainbow glitter dust.”
As will I. Jesus.
Whether the wedding is on a grand scale or in a small, intimate setting, whether the big day is two months away, or two years away the groom is already counting the days. Now he can count on the Groom's Countdown Clock. Just a glance at the clock and he will always know how many days, hours, minutes, and even seconds remain until that wonderful magical day. The Groom's Countdown Clock is easy to set and comes with a long-lasting lithium battery, guaranteeing uninterrupted operation. When the day arrives, the display will begin to flash, and will continue flashing for 24 hours.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Knowing that you are here today, knowing that you care, Makes our wedding day memories a special time to share. This hankie is a gift, expressing our thanks that you are here. To use as we unite our love, to catch a joyful tear ...