Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Gone fishing ... kind of.

Here at GWC we're off on a fact-finding mission to NYC for the rest of the week. Have you had a sighting of Godawful Wedding Crap? The people need to be told, and we will be forever in your debt. In the meantime, here's my current favorite caketopper to date - though there are some doozies to come. Thanks to a comment by Anonymous, I give you: Mermice! Mermice. Mermice in love. I'm almost certain they are mermice. Check out the little shells covering the bosoms of the mermouse bride. But Dorian would know for sure.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Misguided bachelor party advice of the year

From The Knot: Complete Guide to Weddings in the Real World:
The groom should: ... Ask the party host to let your honey in on his plans. Being in the know will put her mind at ease. Who knows? Maybe she can even contribute something to the bash -- a raunchy audiotape saying what she's going to do to you come wedding night, perhaps?
That's right, ladies. The Knot is suggesting not only that you talk dirty but you do so on a permanent recording which you then hand over to someone - possibly even his brother - to play at a bachelor party ... Well holy god.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Holy cow!

I have to admit, I just don't understand this site. First, check out the little cow bride (on the main page, scroll about three-quarters of the way down). She's a cutie, no doubt about it, which is probably why her picture on the main page is captioned: "Wishing You a Lifetime of Udder Joy." A little weird, but whatever. People like cows. Next up, we have a selection of matching cattle-themed grooms. Scratch that: military cattle-themed grooms. Meet the Navy groom ("I Cudn't Be Happier To Serve My Country"): The Army groom ("I Love to Serve Americow"): And finally, the Marine groom ("Steer Me In The Right Direction"): Nowhere on the site does one see the word "bull".

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Have your big fat fabulous wedding on VH1

If your wedding budget includes spending over $300,000, the wedding date is between March and August of 2006 and you would love to share your life and wedding day with VH1, we'd love to hear from you.
You need to be over 21 to apply. Because a 20-year-old spending $300,000 on a wedding would be weird.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Silver-plated, personalized beer can holder

personalized silver beer can holder to keep beer cold
Your groomsmen will enjoy their VIP status by showing off with this elegant silver-plated can cooler. Perfect for keeping their drink cold at the bachelor party or wedding reception.
This silver-plated little beaut costs $21 - twenty-one dollars. It doesn't just say class; it's more that it hollers it from across the room while punching the air with its fist and making comments about your daughter.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

OK, I'm typing this still slightly drunk from my own bachelorette party

... but you probably can't tell that I'm rocking back and forth, muttering thankyouthankyouthankyou to my lovely friends who provided me not with a penis-decorated veil (or the more conservative condom veil), or penis earrings, or penis straws, or penis drinking cups, or penis whistles or Toothdix(TM) (like toothpicks, but better! Because they're penises!), ... but with a really nice dinner and an elegant, sophisticated evening of roller derby. I would also like to note that my so-called friends neglected to provide me with the following: Well, fine. All I have to say is: thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou. If, however, you just can't get enough of this penis-related goodness - well, you're in for something of a treat.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Treat him like a king, train him like a puppy

with Training Treats for New Husbands.

Now that you have found the perfect man you want to keep him that way if you can. With Training Treats and lots of praise you'll be able to stand him for days and days! For Husbands - with just one or two flaws (Does not work on major overhauls), kinder than a swat on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, more effective than nagging.

I'm not convinced that "gourmet candy" is more effective at man-manipulation and rendering a husband tolerable for "days and days" than -- oh, I don't know -- say, a well-timed blowjob? And to be fair, the purveyors of this excrescence do admit (no doubt at the insistence of a pack of lawyers) that "Neither product comes with a guarantee for results".

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

bridal hankie holder

I've never really been able to understand the attraction of the hankie. I mean, if you don't use it it's without function, and if you do, it becomes particularly unpleasant and, frankly, not the kind of thing that would tempt me to spend almost eighteen American dollars to display it like this: bridal hankie holder for a weddingIf I were to display my hankie at all, I mean. I haven't quite made up my mind.

How to ask for money 2: Guilt and manipulation

This month's issue of Modern Bride sports a timely and striking heading: HOW TO ASK YOUR PARENTS FOR MONEY (and get it).
What can I say? I bought the damn magazine, because I need somone to tell me AGAIN to address couples as Mr. and Mrs. Karl von Trapp, and turned to the article, not knowing quite what to expect. A lesson on lowering expections? On the use of please and thank you?
The article starts off well, recommending that brides in the market for parent money approach them with a lot of research and information. But if this fails to swing it, you're going to have to resport to manipulation, baby. Play to their insecurities.
"If your parents are picturing an upscale bash, tell them you may have to skip the champagne toast if they can't contribute ...
Lots of people need to ask their parents for help with the wedding. But you'd kinda sorta hope it would be a respectful conversation, not a ruthless rapier to the site of their social fears in order to get what you want. This short little article left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.
On a side note, when I was a teenager and a student and wanted money myself, sometimes I'd ask my father. He'd lean back in his chair, enjoying himself hugely, and quote Charles's father from Brideshead Revisited. "Oh, I really am the very worst person to talk to about money, because I've never been short of it myself. " Grinning from ear to ear, my father would gleefully quote Waugh: "Your cousin Melchior was short of money too. He went to Australia before the mast."
It became clear that that such was to become my fate. And so I arrived in Seattle. And I'd still play the same stunt on one of my kids. For a while, anyway.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Moses supposes his ho-ses have roses

A while ago, I posted a link to a site offering personalized rose petals. I was younger then. I wasn't thinking big enough. Personalize the whole damn rose!

Monday, May 15, 2006

How to ask for money #1: With poetry.

I've been noticing a trend on the boards about asking for money instead of gifts. I say, don't do it - and certainly don't include such a request with the invitation. Couples aren't entitled to a gift, and registries exist solely to help those guests who find them useful. Guests aren't obliged to bring a gift at all, or to bring one off the registry. I'm not convinced that this new trend of casting the request in verse makes it any more acceptable. On the plus side, however, it does make it funnier. Anyway! On to the poetry. Got any favorites? Let me know - and please report any GWC sightings here. Thank you!
We are sending out this invitation, And hope you will join our celebration. If to send a gift is your intention, In modesty we would like to mention, We already have kettles and toasters, Crockery, dinner mats and a number of coasters, So rather than something we already own We would love money or vouchers to spend on our home. The tradition of the wishing well is one that's known by all. Go to the well, toss in a coin and as the coin does fall, Make a wish upon that coin and careful as you do. Cause as the well's tradition goes your wishes will come true. So on this special day of ours - The day that we’ll be wed. Don't hunt for special gifts but give money in it's stead. And as you drop the envelope with money great and small, Remember, make your wish as you watch your money fall [As something of an afterthought, the poet adds: ] But, most importantly, we request, That you are here as our wedding guest!
My favorite, so far, the clear-eyed brevity of a haiku:
Come to celebrate But don't forget to pay for your plate
And finally, this bracingly strict verse that leaves guests with little wiggle room:
This wishing well before you here Has a purpose that's pretty clear. Drop some green into the slot, Just make sure that it's alot! [sic] We would think it pretty nifty if it was at least a fifty. After all it cost us money To plan this day and our moon of honey!

In the flurry of the big day, it's all too easy to marry the wrong man -

.. the best man, perhaps, or - heaven forbid - your dad. Fear not. These handy socks will quickly sort out the men from the boys. Gather the most likely candidates and a quick glance at the ankle will identify the scamp, allowing the fiesty rapscallion to be brought up before the priest as fast as you like. Thank you, man-brand socks! Without you, I'd had to let that one get away!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Pure klass.

The comical couple printed on these products is sure to bring a smile. Here is an easy way to add some fun at engagement celebrations, showers, rehearsal parties, gift openings or even the Big Event! Your guests will be amused and amazed with your attention to every detail when they discover...even the toilet paper has a wedding theme! 200 sheets per roll - 3 ply.

Got ten bucks burning a hole in your pocket? Go here. Go fast. God speed.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Dolphins ... or unicorns?

You know, until you start planning a wedding, you have just no idea of the kind of stuff that’s out there. Take cake toppers. I’m not what you called drawn to the little figurines, and after I failed to convince the Tall Fella that we should go with Master Chief from Halo and the Bride (veiled) from Kill Bill, I pretty much settled for a simple cake topped with daisies. Until I discovered Designs by Dorian. Her dolphin (“thought to be one of the more magical animals on this planet [emphasis added]”, unicorn, and fairy caketopper are charming but perhaps a little … obvious. Let’s push the envelope a little and consider, for example, an NFL Baltimore Ravens cake topper:
A Raven couple gaze into each others eyes on a field of grass-like moss with purple and gold flowers. The bride, sitting atop an NFL endorsed Baltimore Ravens football, is veiled, sports purple iridescent glitter, and wears a gold crown [hey! that's what I'm going to wear!]; the groom wears a top hat and sports black iridescent glitter dust and a purple boutonnière.

For a Brokeback-themed wedding, you couldn’t do better than the Western theme.

This cake top is home for two noble, cavorting horses in a field of grass and roses, backed by a silver horseshoe (or cowboy hat) … While perfect for the Cowboy, the free, wild spirit in us all, horses are metaphor for much more: Love, devotion, and loyalty are paramount. But stamina, strength and mobility are formidable, and wisdom, intellect, and gentleness are not to be overlooked.

Stamina and strength are, in this case, represented by “white & yellow roses and a yellow stone … white tulle [that] cascades over the base, and iridescent rainbow glitter dust.”

For exceptionally forgetful grooms

Whether the wedding is on a grand scale or in a small, intimate setting, whether the big day is two months away, or two years away the groom is already counting the days. Now he can count on the Groom's Countdown Clock. Just a glance at the clock and he will always know how many days, hours, minutes, and even seconds remain until that wonderful magical day. The Groom's Countdown Clock is easy to set and comes with a long-lasting lithium battery, guaranteeing uninterrupted operation. When the day arrives, the display will begin to flash, and will continue flashing for 24 hours.

As will I. Jesus.

A Perfect Wedding Scam

I'm conflicted about registries. As a guest I've often appreciated the convenience. However, we both dislike the idea of handing guests a shopping list. So we've compromised: we have a registry but nobody knows about it. If only I'd known about APerfectWeddingGift.com. This site lets couples register for ... money! They create a Paypal account and inform guests that they've registered for ... money! Guests log on, view their invoice, and submit payment. Best of all, the site offers a "printable list to generate thank you cards". Nothing makes me feel like my gift has been appreciated than knowing that the couple took the time to generate a thank-you message. Why is site so fiendishly clever? Well, they don't deposit the money into your Paypal account until your wedding day - so they get to hang onto gifts and make some $$ off the deposit. Plus, they deduct 7% from the amount sent to the couple. So in return for a "polite way to ask for money", the couple is stung for 7%. If you're going to give money, wouldn't you prefer to slip a check into a pretty card?

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

The Tears of Joy wedding hankie, available in girly lace or manly cotton

... and attractively priced at $4.99
Knowing that you are here today, knowing that you care, Makes our wedding day memories a special time to share. This hankie is a gift, expressing our thanks that you are here. To use as we unite our love, to catch a joyful tear ...

... Or something. Available ... holy fuck, these things are available all over the Internet.

Nature is not beautiful enough for your wedding.

Remedy that now with photo-embossed real flower petals!

At just about $15K, it's not cheap. But to be fair, the price does include an analog hygrometer and cotton gloves.

You know those pictures you see in the galleries of stately homes? The creepy way their eyes follow you around the room? Well, you know what's creepier? A headless bride in the corner of your living room. Now you can have your very own custom-fitted humidity-controlled wedding armoire. (via IndieBride).

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