Godawful wedding crap indeed

Thank you, IndieBrides, for directing me to these. I think.

Wedding Pills, designed by Ted Noten, are golden alternative wedding rings with a traditional inscription with the name of the loved one and the marriage date. They can be taken with a glass of vodka or other beverage. Because of the intimate process these pills undergo a fundamental question is laid bare: are we going to search for it or not, it may provoke the first marriage crisis. And with whom it agrees, the ritual can be repeated after each crisis – a nice reconciliation ritual.

Yeah, I had to read it twice too. The ritual can be repeated after each crisis.

What, is make-up sex suddenly not hot enough or something?

Buy the gift that keeps on giving here.

Nothing that can't be fixed with a little Photoshop

So there I was, googling for first anniversary gift ideas, when what did I see only this?

The good people at MyDaVinci ("Art that clicks") will take your photos and Photoshop your faces onto the painting of your choice. While I can't imagine spending the rest of my life staring at a picture of myself and himself besporting ourselves in the woods, I have to admit I'm tempted by the American Gothic version: Or I could surprise him on his birthday with a portrait of himself:

My DaVinci. It's brilliant.

Now the big day's over ...

she's gonna need the Honey Do Whistle. Spouse-training technology has obviously come a long way since we featured the the training treats for new husbands - this little beauty comes with a guarantee.

My Lovely Horse: Equine wedding cake topper

Ah, Dorian. Dorian, Dorian, Dorian. It's been too long. Horse-lovers? Horse lovers? Either way, you need this caketopper. (Many thanks to Agent Melanie for bringing this to our attention.) [edited to add Father Ted reference. How did I miss that?]

Your Own Wedding Chapel

Cruising BoingBoing today, we noticed that the splendidly named WillyGoats, Inc. is offering a wedding chapel for sale on Amazon, priced to move at $20,319.97 (though not eligible for free shipping via Prime).

I'd love to see a list: People who bought a mobile wedding chapel also bought ...

Mrs Stiffler!

Eagle-eyed Agent Caroline points out that Advantage Bridal is offering a personalized wedding thong.

Take a closer look at that name embroidered on the thong: yes, it's Mrs. Stiffler: the super jerk of the American Pie movie series!

O.M.G.

Thank you, Ariel of Offbeat Bride, for making me spray Diet Coke all over my screen, the reflexive response to any picture of a bride in what appears to be a courtship ritual with a large metal vulva.

First, she tries to pretend it's not there.

Then it kind of starts pissing her off.

Finally, she surrenders and swoons.

May you, too, have a happy Valentine's day.

More hankies!

A wonderful gift for your Mother to dry her tears as you wed. "Mother…This loving reminder for all the years you dried my tears".

My own mother would glance at this suspiciously before dismissing it (and rightly so) as "too little, too late."

A fabulous cake deserves fabulous balloons

Thanks to a timely report from Agent ChgoRed, GWC is delighted to present Castle Cakes!

More delicious confections here.

Want. Must Have.

The hysterically funny mb over at Blonde Champagne is breaking my heart with her pictures of inflatable wedding arches. This woman is brilliant.

I could die unless I get my hands on one of these beauties, and yet no amount of Googling is turning up a supplier. Sheesh!

Update: The fabulous Cathy hunted down a link where you can buy such a lighted, inflatable arch. Here you go - but hurry, there's only three left!

While you're at it, why not pick up an inflatable wedding cake?

Wedding Day Survivor Mug

Wedding Day "Survivor"? ... You'll LOVE this coffee mug from Beverly Clark. A great gift for Mom or Dad! Includes a fun Survivor-like logo declaring "Over Did, Over Spent, Over Stressed" surrounding a bridal couple in an oval. Available with blue or orange logo.

I think it would be totally cool to use this in front of your son-in-law every single visit. Get it here.

For those who worry that the woman in the veil will go unnoticed on the day

I am honored to draw your attention to U.S. Patent No. 4,604,760, in which inventor Sheri K. Coin of Billings, Montana, resolves a familiar problem:

In an attempt to achieve a bridal headdress that coordinates better with current hair and makeup styles, many brides are turning to very casual designs such as wreaths, bands, hats and the like. ... Another factor that may influence a bride's selection of a headdress is the fact that most people who attend the wedding generally are at a distance that does not permit discernment of fine details of the outfit. ... guests are within close range of the bride for only a few moments as they converse with the bridal party and the remainder of the time are at a considerable distance. Therefore, guests can only observe details of the bridal attire when they are quite large in size. From the above discussion, it is clear that presently available bridal headdresses do not provide desired solutions for many of today's brides. Thus, there is a need for a new bridal headdress that overcomes the deficiencies of earlier designs.

The solution? Ladies, an electric veil.

The illuminating portion 19 of the headdress 11 includes a plurality of spaced miniature incandescent lamps 36. The lamps 36 are spaced from each other and affixed along the length of the supporting portion 18. The lamps are retained in proper alignment by affixing the same to the supporting portion such as with an adhesive 37. The lamps 36 preferably have an elongated tubular configuration. Advantageously, the lamps include clear glass or plastic envelopes 38 and preferably are six volt lamps.

I shit you not, my friends. I shit you not. Thus equipped,

A bride then can proceed with her normal activities associated with the wedding ceremony without concern or attention to the headdress. At appropriate times in the ceremony and/or reception, she can illuminate the lamps by reaching a hand under the veil and actuating the switch 50.

Skeptics can verify the above information here.

Maybe I'm just cynical.

Sometimes, when the business of planning a wedding that takes place in on Saturday gets too much, I like to imagine another world. An alternative universe, if you will, a universe in which a guy - a man, we must remember - is surfing the web, sees a poem in a wooden or crystal frame, and squeals: "Oh, that's so darling! I've got to get that for Jeff! He was just so awesome as my best man, you know? So I want to get him something cute, you know? Something meaningful? Like a poem? With a photo?"

Here's a gift that your best man will love receiving. Besides showing him how much you appreciate his participation in your wedding ceremony, it also makes a wonderful way to display a photo from the wedding. To My Best Man(Name) There was never any doubt who my best man would be. Memories of the good times we've had and your friendship mean a great deal to me. Thank you for your support on one of the happiest days of my life. I am grateful that you are here as Amy and I start our new life together.

And when Jeff the best man unwraps it he squeals too, and clasps his hands to his chest, and he's all like, "Oh! My! God! It's just soo ... perfect." And they jump up and down together, squealing. And then I come back to earth with a bump and realize that the sunburn is still there, that I still have a neck as red - oh, as red can be - and a back as pale as an Irishman in winter, and I have as yet no real strategy in place for dealing with it before the wedding. * I also realize my view may be colored by the men I know. All wonderful men without exception, but givers (to other men) of personalized poems in frames they are not.

You'll come for the baby bride bible, but you'll stay for the Virgin Mary soap

It's never too early to start planning for your daughter's wedding. Do you hear me, Brad and Angie? This is a baby bible. Agent Lowe informs me that the verse that comes with it reads as follows:

I am an Heirloom Bible As special as can be. A present for someone dear Who's little like me. When baby grows to wed I'll be by your side. Or part of the bouquet For the blushing bride.

(Updated because I'd posted the wrong pic - thanks for the heads up, greyduck - and now this transition makes NO SENSE ...) While you're visiting Go on, visit the fabulous www.Cool2bcatholic.com (best. URL. ever). Take some time to look around. Heck, it's not wedding-related, but I can't resist anyway: why not pick up some Virgin of Guadalupe soap?

This saintly statuette, with its amazing attention to detail, radiates a delicate rose scent—and comes presented in a colorful, decorative paperboard box that makes a gorgeous keepsake when the soap is gone. A great gift idea to awaken anyone’s spiritual side.

"Awaken anyone's spiritual side." This is soap, people. Soap.

Kiss The Bride breath spray

Say "I do" to minty freshness! Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Fresh Breath! It's your special day, don't let anything ruin it. One flavor for the rest of your life (hope you like mint). Makes a great bridal gift!

Reported by Agent Suzannah B., and available from Everything Smells. I love that name. Good work, soldier.

As My Little Girl Gets Married Hanky and Pin

As My Little Girl Gets Married There you are in your wedding gown, The world's most beautiful bride, And though I'm truly happy for you, I'm holding back tears inside. For it seems like only a moment ago That I first held you in my arms-- The world's most beautiful baby, Enchanting us with your charms. You grew into the most beautiful girl, And I watched you dress up and play, Giggling with friends about boys And who you might marry someday. Soon you became a young woman And dated the world's luckiest guys, But never with any of them did I see The light that shines now in your eyes. I can see how deeply you care for this man, And the power of your emotion. I can tell he already has your love And will soon have your lifelong devotion. So remember as you take his hand To begin your life together-- You'll always be my little girl... And I'll love you forever and ever.

$14.95 from Thank You Ink.

Certifiable

The people have spoken, the Jury, ( the witnesses), were unanimous and the defendants, ( Bride and Groom), aren't all that unhappy about being "condemned to the pursuit of the labour of love". The Good Ole' Ball and Chain ! This certificate uses "judicial language" to humorously describe the marriage commitment! For details e-mail! Secure Ordering On-line !

For only $17.99, the good people who run the graphically exciting Wedding Helpers will provide you with a wedding certificate "for the practical jokester, weaver of funny tales, or those who just love to laugh."

Treat him like a king, train him like a puppy

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bridal hankie holder

I've never really been able to understand the attraction of the hankie. I mean, if you don't use it it's without function, and if you do, it becomes particularly unpleasant and, frankly, not the kind of thing that would tempt me to spend almost eighteen American dollars to display it like this: If I were to display my hankie at all, I mean. I haven't quite made up my mind.

Moses supposes his ho-ses have roses

A while ago, I posted a link to a site offering personalized rose petals. I was younger then. I wasn't thinking big enough. Personalize the whole damn rose!